Reflection!

I had a very interesting catch up with 2 friends from my past. They’ve made me realise how my perspective had changed over the last 10 years.

Coincidentally, both of them found me on facebook (urg social media).

Both of them reminded me of a different me from my childhood/ teenage days.

Friend A: I met her in secondary school. She was a junior that lived near me and we hung out often because of our common interest of sports. She was living with her Dad then and did not have any one take care of her daily meals. Being a senior, I felt compelled to help even though I was only 2 years older …

“I still remember that time you came to my house to cook cabbage and dried shrimp for me to eat. haha.” she texted me.

Wow. Now that she shared it, I totally remember trying to cook up a storm at her place with my horrible cooking skills. I wanted to make sure that she was able to have some home-cooked food. Friend A is doing pretty well now, studying and travelling. Something I’ll never imagine her doing and I’m really happy for her.

Friend B: I met her in primary school. She was only in my class for a year and had to transfer to another class due to her falling grades. I had fun doing athletics with her because she was a really good runner and had a very kind outlook. We went to the same secondary school but she dropped out in the third or forth year because she got pregnant. Her beautiful child is 10 years old now.

“.. I’m selling XX Canadian coffee now.. do you mind to give a little support?”

Whoa. That was the start of an awkward exchange of messages. Yes. I did give a little support in the end but I totally didn’t feel comfortable. But knowing she’s trying very hard to support her child and making a living, I just helped. It just felt different.

Both ‘reunions’ made me recall that I used to be a courageous individual that would go all out to help a friend in need. It seems like after leaving school, I haven’t exactly opened my heart to any friend fully. I question my friends’ moves most of the time. I might have portrayed myself a neutral party in most situations, choosing to sit out of conflicts.

I just realised I haven’t lived as what my teenage self would want me to. I wondered. Is that really what growing up means?

Reflect!

Reflect!

Updating…

New obsession

I’m typing this in the dark. I should be in bed but I thought I should update.

New camera.

I’ve been playing with my new toy for a few weeks.

Nikon FM10. 35-70mm lens. Black & White Fujifilm Neopan 400.

I suck at learning cameras but I think I have a pretty good grasp of capturing pretty angles and subjects’ emotions. Sent my first roll of colour film for processing. Hope it turns out decent.

I’ve been very reliant on my DSLR’s auto-focus and sharp aperture settings.

I hope I’ll do good for the manual SLR too.

Metal teething.

I’m currently deciding on getting braces (ortho) after a long struggle with my protruding upper arch. Compared to other cases of bad teeth, mine seems like a  case of vainpot wanting to fulfill a childhood dream of getting aligned teeth. That’s what I was told by friends recently. Thinking back, I didn’t really wanted braces in my teens. The teeth issues probably surfaced when I started working and having enough money for my material needs. Why should I hold back if I have the financial ability? I’m just a little jittery that the dentist wants to pull out more teeth from me. i probably have less than 30 now! Dentures might be cheaper next time!

Growing Social.

After being in isolation and pretending to be emo for a period of time, I’ve come out of my zombie mode to hang out with friends again.

Had quite a few drinking sessions and caught up with my friends’ lives.

Started being critical of other people.

And becoming really conscious of staying sober when with guys.

Whipping out my Nikon to capture cute moments.

I can safely say I’m on the safe side of drinking.

Though the last session was a little too much on my pocket and some hands were everywhere.

The past still bothers me once in a blue moon but I’m very sure I’m over those days. 2 years and counting. I’m still hiding but not afraid anymore.

Office politics.

My boss had just tendered his resignation. I’m really happy for him. He deserves that major government offer that he has just gotten.

I’m not sure when I’m getting off. Maybe soon. I’ve sort of planned my route. I do want to work overseas in the coming year. It might be a little tough when the braces are fixed.

I’m feeling rather happy these days. 🙂

Tribute to my iPod Touch

Goodbye!

 

You came to me one day when Alex decided to get an iPhone.

And we’ve not looked back.

You were there when I was all alone travelling.

You were there when I was crying myself to sleep.

You were there when I was prepping for big days.

You held my secrets and thoughts.

You held my family’s photos and memories.

Thank you for being a trusty companion in darkest and best days.

I haven’t thought of finding a replacement and having no music on the train kills me.

I hate listening to the world in the morning.

I blame my carelessness. I hope the person who finds you enjoys my music.

It isn’t easy maintaining playlists for years.

I lost my trusty iPod Touch on a recent island trip. I was listening to it on the ferry back to Mersing (Malaysia), enjoying the sea breeze. I’m bummed and I’m punishing myself by not rushing to buy a new one. Grieving, literally.

Do anything I want when I grow up?

Aside

Sunset by Nagarkot

Well that was what my Mom told me when I was a child.

20 years on, I haven’t done ‘anything’ worthy to be called ‘something’. Le sigh.

Education: I passed all my GCEs, got my Bachelor’s . Not the best student around but at least I can spell and form sentences. Plus I know several languages thanks to my heritage and nationality.

Relationships: Blah. In and out.

Finances: Barely saved after 4 years of work. Bills bills and more bills 😦

Travel: Been backpacking yearly. I enjoy the solitude. Seen and photographed pretty sunsets and animals.

Friends: A nice group of friends. Though I realise I’m being nasty to some recently. Not nasty bad but bitchy. I’m blaming PMS. I’ll see how I can mend it.

Work: 2 jobs. First one sucked and I suffered physically and mentally. Second job now is the total opposite. Nice boss and environment. But I’m turning complacent so I need to start creating a goal list now.

If I were to rate my life till now, I’m a BLAH on a scale. To be born in a developed country and be given so many opportunities, I guess … I guess I should be achieving more.

Where did the time go?

1st Birthday.. cake was shared with my elder brother whose birthday was a few weeks ahead.

I chanced upon this photo while clearing whatsapp crap pics off my phone. 24+ years ago. This chubby little thing has morphed into a 5 ft 7 monster that still throws a fit when things don’t go her way. My mum’s doctor only wrote ‘big baby’ in my birth booklet. So that’s what we pay gynaecologists for.

Recently, I found a bunch of photobooks in my grandma’s wardrobe that had photos from the 1960s,70s and 80s. It was weird seeing my uncles’ and mum’s younger selves. Sometimes I wish I can read their minds and know how they look upon their lives.

I had a good browse through my old blog on blogspot and I’m surprised by the words I used as a high schooler. I think I would want to go back in time and give a pat to my younger self.

You have grown up well despite the odds and crazy hair.
Stay true to yourself and continue trying life.
What you will go through in the next few years will be tough but please press on.
Thank you for never giving up even during the hardest times.

a nurtured optimist

208665_10150486945970608_5083646_nI was never a pessimist. Neither am I much of an optimist. But I do list Winston Churchill’s optimist quote as a personal favourite along with tonnes of Dalai Lama sayings.

But I am always grateful for every day. That explains this blog. I really am an optimist huh?

Not forgetting my Scorpio-traits, I get pissed-off pretty easily if I were to witness injustice or get really emo if someone shares a sad story on Facebook. Look me in the eyes if you need answers about my day’s mood.

Today, a friend posted this link (mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com) on Facebook and I got teary-eyed just browsing through. I thought about the fragility of life, dealing with god’s arrangements for everyone and most importantly, heartbreaks that trail and last a lifetime.

I reckon my sensitivity came from my personal experience. My Mum was diagnosed with an illness that requires chemotherapy during my teens and she spent a good year in hospital battling the illness, inner demons and dropping hair. I grew really depressed during the period with no one to turn to. That’s what puberty does to you. I am glad our family got through the whole ordeal but it also made me cherish life even more. I became somewhat afraid of ‘death’ too.

Will I be able to bravely face the day where my loved ones leave?

Will I be able to leave my loved one behind when my time comes?

Have you lost a loved one and been suppressing the misery inside?

I know for sure that I’m slowly regaining confidence as a ‘smile-r’ and becoming a more ‘grateful’ person inside as everyday with my loved ones is a gift.